My First Year of Powerlifting and All It Has Taught Me

On December 3^rd 2016, I stepped onto the powerlifting competition platform for the first time. My knees were literally shaking, my heart was racing, and all I could think was, “just get through this first lift.” That first squat went up smooth, as did the next two, and my love for the platform bloomed. 

Today marks the one year anniversary of my official start of powerlifting. I can honestly say that it has been one of the most challenging and yet absolutely rewarding experiences of my life. I have learned so much in such a short time. From "small" but super important things like technique adjustments to huge things like core bracing and breathing. I've learned about making weight, eating for fuel, and getting my mind into the right state.  

In this year, I changed two of my lift styles. I went from a high bar, shoulder width squat to a low bar wider stance squat. I also added sumo deadlifting, which has become my competition style. I have added 50 pounds to my lifts overall. My squat is up 20 (wide stance has gone up 30), bench is up 20, and deadlift is up 10 (and sumo is within 15 of my conventional).  

I have had two official meets, both with Revolution Powerlifting Syndicate (RPS), and one local, unofficial meet. My first RPS meet was terrifying, exciting, challenging, fun, and a fantastic learning experience. It put the itch of the platform in me for sure!  

My second RPS meet did not go as I had planned. They say we learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to discover this first hand. I learned something very valuable about myself from my second RPS meet. Having a goal can be great. But making that goal the only priority and the only possible outcome can be directly detrimental to the outcome you seek. At least for me. I went into that meet with a very specific end goal in mind. When the day started and I immediately realized things weren’t falling in line with achieving that goal, I went into denial and pushed for it anyway. That didn’t work out.  

As I spent the next few days debriefing what happened, I realized that it’s much more important for me to go into a meet, or my training in general, with the priority of making that day the best it can be for that day. I can have a goal. But I have to be open to changing course. And I have to look at the big picture of where I’m going long term. When it’s said that powerlifting is a journey, that couldn’t be more true. I have been on this road for one short year. My ultimate outcome is to continue to do this for decades to come. I want to be 65 years old and still lifting. The goals I have for this day or this meet or this year are just small pieces that fit in along the way. And they don’t have to be achieved at any particular time. If at all.  

I am not doing this for awards. Or records. Or recognition. Or to make other people proud. I am doing this for me. Because I love it. Because it makes me feel happy. Because it makes me feel strong. Because it makes me the person I choose to be. 

Now, I could not go through this journey without a great coach. Sam is smart, patient, and super passionate about this sport. He really makes things easy for me. In the gym or on the platform, all I have to worry about is myself and executing the plan. He takes care of all the details of my programming and my meet lifting progressions. But most importantly, he really cares. He wants me to love what I’m doing and has tremendous confidence in me. I'm so thankful to have him in my corner. And I'm so excited to see what else we can achieve together.  

 

I decided after my last meet that in order to get used to the nerves and to learn how to harness them to help me, I need to do more meets! So my next meet is coming up on August 5th, with the United States Powerlifting Association (USPA) in Frederick, MD. I’m looking forward to going into this meet in a completely different frame of mind. 

I have discovered that I have everything I need within me to succeed. And success comes every day. Every day that I show up and lift, it's a success. Every time I hit a PR, it’s a success. Every time I miss a PR attempt, it's a success. Every time I step on the platform, it's a success. And every day that I keep learning is a success. One year is under my belt, and I’m just getting started. 

Chasing Worthiness

I’ve always looked to others to find pride in myself. From a very young age, I wanted to impress people. It’s been a condition to me for as long as I can remember that in order for people to like me, in order for me to be worthy of love and acceptance, I must be remarkable. Couple this with anxiety that wakes me up in the night and makes my heart race out of worry over circumstances that haven’t even happened. 

I never had confidence in my physical appearance. My body was too thick, my weight was too heavy, my hair was too curly, my voice was too deep. So I looked for acceptance through accomplishment. I have always aimed to impress people of authority in particular. In grade school, I was called a teacher’s pet and a nerd. In 5^th grade, I was named “5^th Grader of the Year.” I found out that my aunt had been valedictorian of her high school. That day, I vowed that I would be valedictorian too. This extended to everything I did. I was first chair in band throughout school. I wasn’t the best at cross country and track, but I frequently earned the award of “most improved.” I won scholarships, more awards, solo & ensemble medals, and the John Phillip Sousa award for best musician of my school. Then, my senior year, I achieved what I had had my heart set on for 7 years. I became valedictorian. Around the time my junior year in school had come around, however, I was starting to feel a little differently about my need to accomplish. 

I still didn’t feel worthy. 

Upon graduation, I was awarded a full ride 4 year scholarship to Eastern Michigan University and a full 1 year scholarship to Michigan State University. I turned both down and moved to Texas, chasing freedom and a boy. (The boy ended up lasting about 3 months) The drive from Michigan to Texas, just me, windows down in my car, radio blasting, and cigarettes abundant, was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. My husband and I met about year later, in March. We were engaged in May and married in October, all in 7 months. He gave me love and support from the very start, not at all caring that as the years together ticked higher, so did my weight. Yet he made me feel desired, sexy, and beautiful in his eyes. 

I still didn’t feel worthy. 

Turns out, I wasn’t done with my need to succeed. After moving with my husband to the Philadelphia area, I started working for a company as the office assistant. Within 2 years, I was promoted to the administrator and then 2 years later became the Accounting Manager. After 13 years, I was made a partner in the company. I found myself climbing my way to the top again.  

I still didn’t feel worthy. 

I had my first daughter at age 26. Becoming a mother was both a tremendous joy and a new source of anxiety. Here was another opportunity to feel unworthy and not good enough. I found myself short tempered and yelling a lot, bringing on some major feelings of shame. I made the decision to change this and consciously started working on choosing how to react to situations that made my anger, or as I nicknamed it, Sanger – who lived in the basement – climb the basement steps looking to escape. This worked pretty well for me. I found myself being able to stop my anger before it escalated. Picturing Sanger as her own identity trying to open the basement door and dance around naked in the living room helped me to diffuse the reality of my anger. 

I still didn’t feel worthy. 

In 2009, my anxiety reared its head in a bad way. I was physically tired and my body ached most of the day. I would fall asleep on the couch at night by 8pm because I just couldn’t stand to be awake any longer. I started seeing a therapist for the first time and spent about nine months working through some of my issues. But somehow we never really got around to what was most important: this distortion that my worth is tied to what others think of me. I got pregnant with my second daughter in early 2010. 

I still didn’t feel worthy.

In July 2014, at 251 pounds, I finally decided that enough was enough with my weight gain. I felt worse about myself than I maybe had in my life. I started doing a CrossFit exercise program and lost 70 pounds in 15 months. I completely transformed the way my body looked, felt, and moved. And I discovered that I absolutely love being strong and lifting weights. 

I still didn’t feel worthy. 

Earlier this year, I had gained almost 20 pounds back. I was slipping into unhappiness with what I was doing and feeling like a failure. I made the choice to nurture what I loved best and was best at, which was strength with powerlifting. I started working a new program with a new coach at the end of June this year. I truly love what I’m doing. From the start to early December, I lost the weight I had gained back, plus another 5 pounds, all while gaining a tremendous amount of strength and muscle. On December 3^rd, I competed in my first powerlifting meet. I ended up going 8 for 9 in my lifts, hitting a bench press PR, and winning my division, which came with a big heavy trophy! I love feeling as strong as I do. I can’t wait to get even stronger. And I am happier with my physique now than I’ve ever been. My coach has praised me and my accomplishments both privately and publicly. It makes me feel like a million bucks. 

I still don’t feel worthy. 

Present day: I’m starting to wonder if I will ever feel worthy. Logically, I know that true self-worth resides in myself. I can’t find it from anyone else. However, I can’t seem to make my emotions understand this. 

Social media wreaks havoc on my anxiety. And yet I can’t seem to stay away from it. I often share my weight loss and lifting journey on Facebook. To be perfectly honest, I do this because it means a lot to me to hear people tell me that my story has inspired them to keep pushing and achieve something they want. This feels good to me. Not only do I feel like I am helping others, it also feeds my need for approval. However, no matter how many people like a post, all I seem to notice is that one person that is important to me that doesn’t like it. Why didn’t they like it? Do they not like me anymore? Are they sick of me? And the person changes, depending on the circumstance. To be clear, I don’t value quantity of likes and comments. It’s all about the quality of the particular person or people I am looking to reach or to give me that sense of worthiness. I don’t much care what the collective thinks of me. But I care a little too much about what the people I love, respect, and admire think of me. 

So even today, I share this story on social media. But I’m sharing it for a completely new reason. I’m sharing one of my biggest vulnerabilities. The older I get, the more I feel the need to connect with people on a deep level. I know there are so many others out there that have the same challenges I do. I want them to know that it’s ok. It’s ok if we are confused. It’s ok if we understand that we are worthy while at the same time refusing to believe we ever can be. It’s ok that we are still on a journey; that one day we soar with feelings of pride and accomplishment and fulfillment…and the next day we cry all day and feel despair pulling us down.  

It doesn’t matter how many awards I win or how many promotions I get. It doesn’t matter how much I weigh or how much weight I lift. It doesn’t matter how many people like me or how many likes I get on Facebook. 

What matters most is that we allow ourselves to feel. And we allow ourselves to be who we are. You are all worthy. I am worthy. Every day we can make the choice to honor our word in this. Or we can ignore it. And that’s ok. But the more we choose to honor our own worth, the more it will become part of us. And one day, that will be both the logic and the emotion.